Living on the beam is a place I made to chronicle my recovery story in a way that insists on enjoying life. My wish is to provide strength and hope for those that suffer from addiction, knows someone that does, or just wants to be the best version of themselves. Life still has its challenges – but there is great joy to be had.
My Story
Like many I started drinking in my teens, it was cool and fun, and I liked the way it made me feel. I could be around people much more easily, and hey everyone else was doing it! Eventually my relationship with alcohol departed from “everyone else” and I became a problem drinker. I self medicated my undiagnosed depression and anxiety and it took more and more alcohol daily to keep me feeling “normal”.
I convinced myself that it was perfectly fine to drink as much as I was, I saw a lot of people around me drinking heavily as well. I began to distrust anyone who didn’t drink, thinking that was so weird. Ive been known to tell friends to “never trust someone who doesn’t drink there is something wrong with them.” I am sure there is some psychological term for this that I am at a loss for but looking back, I know its not a healthy way to think.
I got married, had an awesome daughter, life was good. I drank heavily but told myself it isn’t hurting anyone, and for the most part it wasn’t for quite a while. It was just my way to cope with life and its stress. I denounced any religious affiliation yet tried my best to get involved with a few different churches. Nothing felt right but I was making due, getting by and generally doing well enough.
I kept a good job after all! I was involved with my daughter, I was a good husband. I came to the realization that I was a high functioning alcoholic. I didn’t drink and drive, I kept some promises and responsibilities, I kept a good job – all of the things a good husband and father should do – or at least that is what I told myself.
Eventually friction grew in my marriage, and my health was declining. I was diagnosed with major depression and anxiety disorder and began seeing doctors and therapists to deal with that. They all told me I have got to cut down on the drinking or I would never get better. So I did what they said and did my very best to cut down. I couldn’t possibly STOP drinking, my goal here was to drink a “normal” amount and be able to tie one on every once in a while. I tracked my consumption, I switched to the lightest beers, then to watered down wine. I did reduce the amount I was drinking but it was still simply too much. I woke up every morning a wreck, vomiting, dry heaving, my body was telling me to stop yet I wouldn’t.
“Sober people don’t have fun, and no program will help me they are just a bunch of Churchy people that want to talk about God. I just need to keep cutting back.” I said to myself.
I kept trying to cut back and it just wasn’t working. One morning in August 2018, coughing, sneezing, throwing up, I called off of work sick and googled a 12 step meeting close by. I walked in the door and my life changed from that point on. I was also able to connect to a spiritual power, greater than myself that helped lead me down the path.
No, this blog isn’t going to tell you to go to church and quote Bible verses all the time (there might be a few, turns out there is some good stuff in there we can make metaphysical analogies with) but there certainly is a spiritual component. They say religion is for those who are afraid of hell, and spirituality is for those who have already been there. Ive be focussing on my version of spirituality, if you keep an open mind it wont be that bad, hang in there. Take what you find true and leave what doesn’t.
At this writing I am celebrating just over 1 year of sobriety. It wasn’t easy, especially at the beginning but I found the support I needed and more importantly I made the decision that I was powerless over the booze. I had made a mental change and eventually gave up some of my former notions that sober living was for squares.
Today I enjoy being more present in all of my relationships. I am able to spend more quality time with my daughter and wife. I get into less arguments, and most importantly my partner and I are a team again. Its no longer a battle between us to prove which one is right, we make decisions together. This simply is not a possibility while I was drinking. I needed to be responsible in every way, and earn the trust that comes with that piece by piece.
And guess what? I have FUN! Without booze!
What a notion, that there was joy and fun without being in the jug. Things really turned around in my brain and I gave up assumptions that life would be boring and stale without the alcohol.
How did I do it? One day at a time. Of course, there is much more to my story, and I would like to learn yours. So stick around, I’m glad you’re here.
ev
